Life is ever changing and often without a deadline

Building a website for my church recently enticed me to revisit this blog, which I started in 2011.  I then sputtered with occasional stalls until May 2017.  I suppose I could blame the happenings of life for the inconsistency of my writing, but I know deep down to blame the real culprit, which was not having a deadline to drive me.

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Publishing a weekly newspaper for nearly 30 years created a drive in me that forced compliance when confronted with the dreaded deadline.  I couldn't begin to count the number of last minute editorials I pounded out, forcing the words from mind to fingers and then through the computer keyboard and ultimately landing on the page in time for the page to head to the printer.

That same fear of failing to meet a deadline drove me to research and write Homesteading Haxtun and the High Plains, a history book commissioned by the History Press, once I retired from the Herald.  That deadline fear continued to drive me when I discovered that my original manuscript contained 100,000 words while the contract called for a maximum of 40,000 words.  I likened the resulting editing to slicing my wrist and bleeding all over my office, but I got it done and the book suffered little.  However, once I sent the completed manuscript off retirement hit me head on and there were no more deadlines to meet.

Not having that deadline caused a curious need to procrastinate.  Left on my own with nothing to drive me to a finish line, I found putting off much too easy.  Recalling one of the final lines recited by Scarlett O'Hara (Vivien Lee) in Gone With The Wind, "Tomorrow is another day," offers a good example of me in retirement without a deadline.  I found putting off the writing might make me feel a bit guilty, but not enough to drive me to keep to a schedule.

Thus this blog suffered my spurts and sputters until May 2017 when life changed so dramatically that I wondered if I would ever write again.  At the end of May I came in after a day working in the yard, one of my favorite things to do, and noticed that my left foot suffered with excessive pain.  I pulled off my shoe and discovered that the two middle toes had turned white.  I tried soaking, rubbing and walking, but nothing worked.  Ultimately I went to the doctor and discovered that a blockage was preventing the blood from flowing into my foot.  A short time later a helicopter flew me to the hospital in Greeley, Colorado.

That was on June 9.  I spent the next three days in a daze and in and out of surgery.  Then on June 12, after doctors in Greeley determine that "I had them scratching their head because they couldn't figure out what was causing the blockage" and nothing could be done to reestablish the blood flow, surgeons amputated my left foot.  I spent the next three and one-half years angry and in pain. It is extremely hard to care about writing when one is angry, let alone in constant pain.

The pain included both phantom, which meant that a foot no longer attached to my body hurt all of the time, and residual, which is caused by the nerve endings in the stump that is now just below my left knee.  Doctors tried a number of pain medications to ease the pain, but nothing completely relieved it, especially the phantom pain.  Then you had the whole opioid addiction crisis that had the insurance companies and doctors paranoid about prescribing anything that might work.

Finally, a couple of months ago my doctor discovered a medication that works on the phantom pain and life seems worth living once again.  The pain is not completely gone, but these days what remains is bearable.  I also continue to worry about my balance, but a cane and sometimes a walker keeps me from spending most of my time picking myself up off of the floor.

I'm not including a recipe with this blog post since it is simply a warning to let everyone know that I intend to start writing posts once again.  There's still no deadline to drive me, but I'm hoping just the idea of writing for the pure joy of it will keep me on schedule, which for now I'm expecting to be once per month.  This one doesn't count so look for another, with a recipe, in a couple of days.  Until then, LOL



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